Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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