I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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