he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
