Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
