I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
