One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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