so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
