if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
