made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
