Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
