Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
