3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just forgot I was standing up.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
