whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dignity is for republicans.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
