I got chris browned last night
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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