I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
