You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
