Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
