her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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