I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
How does it feel to date your dad?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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