i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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