If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
