You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
