Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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