i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
