can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
