I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
