She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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