I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
