I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
