Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
