Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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