she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
