My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
