i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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