so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
