i permit you to call me
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
