let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
