You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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