Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
