I cockslap morals
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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