I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
