I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
