My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
