Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
