nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
