I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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