I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
