just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
