He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
