why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
